Monday, November 2, 2009

Preparation

Usually it just hits me out of nowhere: "This is not where I want to be." That doesn't mean that I don't enjoy being here, but if I let myself think about it long enough it does start to frustrate me that I of all people am here of all places. I love Hillsdale's mission statement and its purpose and its staff: Hillsdale as an abstract. Yet, at the same time, Hillsdale in practice so often goes across the grain of who I am. That's not a criticism or a complaint; it's just a fact.

Sometimes I can't wait for grad school. A school so huge you get dizzy looking at the maps. A school so famous people cower at your resume. A school so prestigious, so historic, so busy, that I'll get nostalgic for my teensy-weensy undergraduate college. I can't wait to take classes that plumb the intricate depths of political science and economics. I get excited about writing papers with theses so specific that "what's your paper about?" becomes food for an entire dinner conversation. I get excited about being a scholar, not just a student. I get excited about digging into my field of study. I get excited about internships, real-world jobs, and new experiences where I doubt my ability. I get excited about awkward transition-to-adulthood moments where I excuse myself from important meetings to call my mom and ask her advice on what to do. I get excited about paying my own rent, even if I can't always afford it, so that I actually feel like a real member of society instead of an 18-year-old with a college dean for babysitter.

Adults tell me that the 4 years of undergraduate education were the best years of their life. I consider that a logical impossibility because undergraduate education is not real life. Freshman drama, free t-shirts, frat parties, parent-professor conferences... this is no where near what I know of real life.

But here is the thing. I am convinced that I am here for a purpose. And yes, I am going to struggle with frustration, discouragement, restlessness, indignation, and outright anger for the next 4 years. I will. But there are great professors here who refuse to let me coast through my default logical arguments. There are professors here who tear down my best work and make me work harder than I'd ever thought I'd have to. And there are PEOPLE here who pray for me. I told a friend of mine last night that I'm just. not. used to this: so many people are consistently praying for me, and praying with me, and keeping me accountable, and loving me. He leaned against my shoulder and looked me in the eye and said "Well get used to it." I'm going to go out to live fully, and learn to the best of my ability, and pursue, and invest, all with the hope that I will reap a harvest at the end.

Through God's grace and by God's will, I study to change the world.

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