I've been watching and learning from my mentors Sarah and Shannon throughout their senior year: little me walking in their huge footsteps. We've been involved in the Hillsdale Christian Fellowship together, I've had countless coffee dates with both of them, we've prayed together, I've cried with them, we've shared testimonies, they've kept me accountable. I once spent four hours on Sarah's roof with her spilling out my guts and listening to her talk about sovereignty in disbelief. These women have fought me--relentlessly--on every attitude and opinion I ever thought I held. They've challenged me to pursue Biblical womanhood since before I knew what that meant.
It startles me how far God has brought me from the place where I was six months ago. From barely attending church to genuinely thirsting after the Word. From resentment and indignation about Calvinist theology to this newfound humility and acceptance of God's sovereignty. From indifference about marriage and family to actively preparing my heart for my future responsibilities as a wife and mother. From scrambling to figure out "where I stood" on marriage and manhood and womanhood to pursuing the Biblical model that I stubbornly rejected for so long.
I could go on and on and on. I am definitely not the person I planned to become. On the contrary, I still have selfish moments when I wonder whether this is really "me." And, to be honest, it's not. It's not me. It's Christ. But, weighing all my options, I'd rather be like Christ.
Today I realized something: at the close of my freshman year, after six months of watching Sarah and Shannon live their lives, they are now watching me. This afternoon, as I brought Sarah up to speed on everything I've been thinking, out of the blue she told me to start praying for girls that I can disciple next year. She said that God has answered all her prayers for me, that I have exceeded her expectations, and that I inspire her. It blows me away. It's impossible to me that Sarah thinks I'm ready for this. Even after getting to know me and all my faults she still thinks I can fill her role on campus? Impossible.
Suddenly I have found that this mantle of Godly womanhood--something I barely realized only a few days ago that I even want--has already been thrown over me. I'm covered in grace that doesn't fit right, grace too big for me, a reputation too good for me, wisdom too wise for me, grace-filled footsteps that don't make sense when you understand that I have two left feet. I don't know what to do with what I've been given. I don't know how to fill Sarah and Shannon's roles. I don't know how to be like Christ. I am startled to realize who I am suddenly preparing myself--who Sarah and Shannon have been preparing me--who God has been planning for me all along--to be. I am dumbfounded when it comes to how that will look like in my life.
God's about to show me.
"Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." -Hebrews 4:16
("She loves life and she lives it well / Her Savior shall proclaim Himself forever")
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